Love Me
by Ayvee
Summary: (Takes place in War Storm) After the siege on Harbor Bay, Mare secretly meets up with Cal in his bedroom at Ocean Hill. After spending hours together, she recalls where they still stand despite everything that happened. Mare is unsure how to deal with her feelings of insecurity and as usual, tries to run away.


We spent hours "for the last time" together in Cal's bedroom in Ocean Hill palace. Nobody bothered looking for us, still recovering from the siege on Harbor Bay. The sky turned from a sunny, light blue to a soft orange and pink sunset. The time went by so fast that I dread the moment when I'd have to leave.

We were both lying in his bed without any clothes on, having let out all our stress and frustration and want into each other. Cal seemed content, sighing happily to himself. Me, not so much. This was a mutual agreement yet all I felt was an overwhelming sense of emptiness. We both agreed this wouldn't change our decisions, our priorities. So why does it hurt so much?

The sheets cover us. Cal shifts, turning towards me to give me a deep, passionate kiss. What we swore to be our last. I try to smile back at him, a sad attempt but if he noticed, he didn't bother to say anything.

"I'm going to wash up," he says, stretching. I don't say anything back. I watch as Cal leaves the bed into his private bathroom to clean himself.

Tears start to prick at my eyes and I bite my lip to keep them from falling. I turn away from the open bathroom door, so he doesn't see how much this really affects me. I can't let him see how much I'm hurting from our strained relationship. That would be showing weakness.

All I feel is agony throughout my body though. A deep, emotional pain from being wanted but not chosen. I know it's a stupid thing to feel shameful over, but I can't help it. I'm still so young. So young and immature. I'm so stupid. I got myself into this heartbroken mess and I tried to convince myself to keep my heart separate from my head. I'm failing miserably. Cal seems perfectly fine and unfortunately for me, I'm the one suffering over what we both agreed upon. This doesn't change anything, but maybe a small part of me was hoping it would.

I feel like I'm not enough.

At this realization, the tears stream freely now and there's no holding it back. I glance back at the bathroom door, having not noticed he closed it enough so that it was partway open. Out of his sight well enough.

I quickly get up and reach for my ragged clothing that we wore when taking over New Town earlier. I throw them on hastily and start making my way to where I first entered his room.

"Leaving already?"

I had just gotten to the secret door when Cal's voice stops me. My back is still facing him, but I hear the surprise in his tone. I think I even hear a little bit of sadness.

I don't turn around and remain completely still. Staring resolutely at the secret entrance. "I figured it would be for the best."

"We still have some time," Cal says. "No one will be expecting anything of us for the rest of the night." He hints at wanting me to stay but I shake my head slightly.

"You know we can't," I bite back a sob. "Anabel will grow suspicious. And this wouldn't look well for Evangeline as your betrothed."

It's quiet for a moment, the reality sinking in again. Harder this time after what we'd done for the past few hours. I still have tears running down my face and I clench my teeth, squeezing my hands into tight fists. Don't break down, I tell myself. We made our choices.

 _I wish he loved me more._

I hear him sigh. "You're right," he mutters. His tone takes on a more royal air, changing the atmosphere into something more professional. It almost sounds like a dismissal. "Thank you for checking up on me. I'm relieved to know you're alright as well."

My feet stay rooted in place. I want him to say more but I know he won't. We're both waiting for me to leave now. I'm a fool for coming. Curse Evangeline.

"Mare?"

"You're welcome, _Your Majesty_ ," I hiss. My breath hitches and my face flames up. I'm shaking with hurt when I push open the chamber door in a rush to escape and run far away from him. I slam it shut behind me, letting the bang of the door echo in the forgotten chamber.

I'm crying completely now, letting the grief consume me. I try to walk back to the beginning and retrace my steps, but my sight is so blurry with tears. Cal doesn't come after me. He wouldn't. Of course, he wouldn't. He doesn't love me enough. Even after we promised each other, we both ended up breaking it so soon.

My body grows weak, not from physical fatigue, but the ache of my own heart. I sink to my knees when I'm a reasonable distance away and lean against the stone floors against the wall. Damn him. I punch the wall, trying to let the pain of scrapes distract me.

Suddenly, a hand grabs my elbow before I feel familiar heat and Cal pulls me up quickly with a confused expression. I wasn't expecting him to come after me.

I turn my face away while he holds me in place in front of him by my arm.

"What's the matter with you?" It almost sounds like a demand.

I try not to sniffle. "Nothing."

He scoffs. "Obviously not, with the way you left."

I try to twist my arm out of his grasp the way I would do in the Stilts, but either Kilorn is telling everyone our tricks or I'm just becoming more predictable. Cal holds firm.

"Mare, please. Stop running away. Talk to me."

"We have nothing to talk about anymore," I snap. I don't want him to see me crying over him. I don't want him to know how much he still means to me when he's fine without me.

Cal lets go of me. Dumbfounded by my sudden rage after we spent hours in close intimacy together. Intimacy that doesn't mean anything, I remind myself.

My breath catches and in this silent hall, you can hear any sound no matter how small it may be. He realizes I'm crying and takes another step closer to me.

I take one back, away.

"Mare," he whispers, desperation laced into his words. "Did I do something?"

A dumb question for someone who is an expertise in strategic tactics and warfare methods. Too bad there's no guide for how to maneuver a broken heart.

I finally work up the courage to look at him, tears brimming my eyes. A painful expression flashes across his face at what he sees in me before he covers it with his collected mask.

"You're no different than the rest of them," I speak slowly. "A Silver King who just uses Reds, and then dumps them like they're nothing."

"Do you think I used you?" he asks incredulously. His brow furrows in frustration. "I thought we were on the same page. We agreed it wouldn't change anything beforehand, Mare. Don't you remember?"

Of course I remember my own words before we surrendered ourselves to each other. It doesn't make it any easier.

"I know what I said," I reply bitingly. "I just thought… I don't know what I thought."

Cal looks at me with pity and it makes me embarrassed. It makes me feel vulnerable, like a child. I don't know how to voice my hurt and insecurities. I've never had to. I'm scared at how he would respond. I don't want him to react coldly. Not when I'm laying out my heart bare.

I look at the ground. "We shouldn't have done that."

Cal doesn't say anything. The muscle in his jaw works in irritation or hurt, I can't tell.

"I made the mistake of coming here," I whisper. "I shouldn't have intruded. We shouldn't have kissed. We shouldn't have touched. It was a mistake. Especially because…" I trail off. I'm too afraid to say it.

"Because what?" There's a hint of a dare in his eyes. Challenging me to come forth and out myself.

My voice shakes. "Especially because you don't love me."

Ashamed, I squeeze my eyes shut and cry. My hurt is on display in front of Cal now. I've let my insecurities show and he hasn't. I'm weak.

He stands there unmoving. Weighing out which words would be safe to say, and which wouldn't. He's never been good with words.

"I do love you," he growls, finally. "I don't know why you would ever think otherwise. You know how hard it is. I can't have both, we've made that perfectly clear. You can't either."

"I know." I wipe at my tears. "But I didn't feel like I meant anything to you after…!"

I glare at him accusingly through watery eyes. After whatever we did in his bedchamber, I felt like I was nothing. I shouldn't have been hopeful.

Cal runs his hand stressfully through his hair. "You mean a lot to me."

"I mean as much to you as any other Red soldier out there."

"So this is why you're crying?" I open my eyes to look at him. "Because you're afraid that what we did back in the room doesn't mean anything?" He has an eyebrow raised, still in disbelief at my dramatic display of emotion.

I bite my lip, not saying anything. I feel like I'm being scolded like a child for wanting attention. Of all the things that could have made me angry, he wasn't expecting it to be my own insecurities.

Cal huffs, reluctant. "You mean more to me than any of those soldiers out there, Red or Silver. If I didn't feel anything for you, I would have told you to leave the room."

"Maybe it's because you still have your desires and stress to let out," I say bitterly. "Kings have consorts along with their betrothed."

He flinches, hurt and insulted that I would think that. To think that he's so consumed by his _hormones_ that he would use me solely for that purpose. Confliction takes over his whole demeanor. He's afraid to give me hope where there should be none, but he doesn't want me to leave here hurt.

Angrily, he closes the gap between us and takes my shoulders. His hands are hot, but I'm used to it.

"I wouldn't use you for your body. You're not just something to me that I can mess around with and then toss away somewhere." His voice is firm, and his bronze eyes gleam hard. "I am in love with you, Mare. I want you to be my queen. But it feels like no matter how many battles I win out there, I can't win this one." His voice cracks.

I still at the mention of being his queen, knowing that I am just as much as fault here as he is. I didn't choose him either. Cal puts his head down onto my shoulder, defeated. He trembles, and I think I feel something wet hit my collarbone. He must not be showing the full extent of his heartbreak either.

"How can we call this love?" I murmur.

He looks at me, eyes shimmering. His gaze softens. "Because it's real."

Because the sight of him standing before me when he could be anywhere else right now is real. Because the smell of him, smoky and comforting is real. Because the way he tastes against my lips, gives me a good kind of nervous feeling. Because the way he makes me feel is something I can't control. And the idea of losing him almost like I did today hits me harder than anything I've ever felt.

We look at each other, searching for an answer. Knowing there isn't one. The moment right now is what's real. We can't think about the future. We can't think about what's to come.

I place my hand on his cheek, still wary. "Are you really in love with me?"

"I am." He places his hand over mine. He sounds so certain.

I search his expression but he's unwavering. There's no hesitation or doubt on his end. My heart yearns for him.

"Do you love me?" Cal asks, almost pleading. I'm not used to saying the word love. I was raised to simply know through actions if someone loved you. We didn't have to say it.

"I do," I whisper, brown eyes meeting bronze.

"Tell me you do," he says quietly, leaning close enough I can feel his breath.

I close my eyes, feeling the inevitable pull towards him. "I love you, Cal."

His lips press against mine, kissing me deeply. He grips my shoulders tightly, and I wrap my arms around his neck. He pulls me as close as he can, and I let him, needing to know how much he wants me. His touch becomes rougher and I don't realize I'm crying until he wipes the tears away.

"This is a battle you won't win," I say when we pull away for air. I'm breathless and so is he. He's got a hungry look in his eyes.

He kisses me again roughly. Moving his lips against mine urgently, running his hands along my back.

His lips find my collarbone and he kisses along my neck. "Are you in love with me?"

I blush furiously. There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. I grip his black locks tighter, distracted by his lips on my soft skin.

"You're in love with me," he hums into my neck.

"I'm not." I don't push him away.

"You are." He kisses me on the lips again and turns his ember eyes onto me. "Aren't you?"

Am I?

Sighing, I tell him, "I am."

Relief flashes in his eyes before it's replaced by happiness. "We'll call it a tie."

I let out a laugh. The feeling of emptiness earlier is gone, for now. He loves me. He's in love with me. Knowing that makes me a lot happier than it should.

He holds my hands. "Stay the night with me."

I grip his tightly. "You know I can't. And you know we won't get any sleep…"

Cal's face turns a pale, silver color and he looks away sheepishly. "I promise to be on my best behavior for the night."

"You know how we are with promises," I mutter.

He gives me his irresistible, crooked smile. Tempting me. He places his hand on the small of my back and pulls me to him.

"In this case, I don't think it would be a bad thing."

I laugh and let him pull me back to his bedchamber. The word "love" echoing in the secret hall all the way back.


End file.
